Hypothetically speaking in Kenneth T.’s prospective..

Always love you..

2011-07-25T14:40:00.000-04:00

If a person found that person that they could see themselves with forever.. that person opened they're eyes to love, when that person didn't belive in it before.. basically exposing them to real love, the happiest times in they're life, the closest he got and he believe the closest he'll get to the real thing.. and he fucks that up.. trying his damnist to convince her to believe that it was so stupid of him and he is deeply sorry of it.. and couldn't convince her to look foward and let him mend the pain he caused.. what hope is left for love after her?.. if he feels this is the closest he will ever get to real love, why go on?.. this isn't a oooommmggg I need you back.. I miss you soooo much, im hurrrttting bad because we don't talk message.. if you still know the real me and not the person I prolly get procieved as, you will know that im taking it pretty hard.. and I miss you so fucking much.. but at the same time I realize you just don't want to be with me.. as much as it hurts to come to terms with that, I have to.. even if im in the delusional state that we will make it through.. I know there's no take backs.. I know we'll prolly wont ever be together again.. it hurts, but I know its the reality of it.. as much as I want you to see me for what I am, the good I am, the good I've done, how I am.. I can't make you see me for what I am, for what I could be to you, how different I am.. I can't make you wanna be with me.. basically I can't make you have feelings for me.. as much as I try to tell you or persuade you to.. conclusion.. I will never stop loving you.. In my heart I will always comeback to you no matter what.. I will always wanna be with you.. I will always love you.. your engraved in me.. but it just hurt to know I gotta let go.. I love you Nazie Bae.. and I miss you sooo much.. I just hope all is gonna be well with you..

P.s. im sorry baby..

Best i never had..

2011-07-18T00:09:00.000-04:00

That song just adds on to the pain.. and I can't hate you for that.. I wont ever hate you.. I will always love you.. I don't expect for you to feel sorry for me.. as much as I cry as much as I scream for you I don't expect you to just run back to me, forgiving me.. I don't expect for you to love me like you did at one point.. I don't expect for you to see me as the person I was.. no matter how I truely am, it doesn't change what I did.. it never stopped effecting me, I always brought that up.. but just you being gone from me.. with no hope for us hit me hard.. its different this time.. not only im hurt but I get really mad at myself.. I hate me right now.. I hate the fact that I know I can't change what you have in your heart and what you perceive me as.. no matter how hard I try to convince you that I am that person you deep down know I am.. that im different from everyone else.. that I love you to death and that I just want to do right by you and insure your happiness with me.. but reality remains.. that its over.. I lost you.. and I can't get you back.. as much as I need you.. as much as my mind, as much as I want to keep trying.. I know its not gonna happen.. I said I lost all of me yesterday.. and that's real.. I lost you, I lost me, I lost hope.. I lost confidence, I lost all my will, I lost my heart.. im lost without you.. and I know imma stay lost.. I cry, I know imma cry alone.. and what I did.. I deserve to be alone..

This Movie..

2011-07-17T15:20:00.000-04:00

Im on duty watching this old 80s movie where this girl dresses up as a guy and goes to a different school to write an article, ends up being friends with so dude, starts spending time with him, eventually at they're prom reveals that she's been fronting as being a guy.. she thought he hated her.. at the end the feelings that she expressed on the article compelled him and he forgave her and through those feeling they were together.. and that shit kills me.. its like I didn't expected for you to forgive me.. and you tried for as long as you could but I just had high hopes that due time you would have those same feelings you used to have for me and that you would let me love you till you don't hurt nomore.. and we can work through the problems.. I just hoped for too much.. I gave you too much.. I gave you all of me.. that's why this pain, I just hurt so fucking much right now.. nobody knows this pain im in.. Im just in a corner crying my eyes out wanting to scream from this pain.. im hurt.. ooommggg.. I just think about this.. I just think about you.. I just think about how much I love.. I just think about how it was suppossed to be.. I think about you being with somebody else.. this is just way tooo much.. nobody experienced heart break like this.. I loved you like a wife, a bestfriend, a lover..

Feel..

2011-07-16T22:38:00.000-04:00

Im hurt.. to know that we ended like this.. how it ended.. im the reason, that immature shit that I did.. that im the reason of your trust issues to resurface.. there's no words for how I feel.. not that a part of me died.. all of me died today.. and all of this that I said and will say isn't gonna change.. Im hurting bad.. more I write the more I cry.. I never experienced sorrow like this.. im in really bad shape.. all Im thinking about is this.. I honestly can't describe it.. i feel like just getting away.. secluding myself.. be by myself.. and just go through the pain.. get all the pain out.. cry as much and as loud.. it feels like my heart was snatched out of my body thrown in a freezer and stomped on.. I did this to myself I fucked us up.. I made that mistake.. I have to live with myself knowing I heart the person that I cared about the most, the person I wanted to marry.. to have kids with.. at one point of our relationship we knew this was as real as it gets and knew this was meant to be.. to know that I met and was together with my soulmate and I just fucked it up.. fuuucckkk.. I never known of this much pain.. like Im crying and I just want to scream.. heart break is real.. its not just a saying.. I feel my hearts pain.. its crying out to you.. after I did made that mistake I just wanted to do right by you.. but I understood you couldn't forgive my I just wanted a chance.. but I understand how bad it is for you.. I can't be mad at you for doing what you did.. i just hate myself for what I did.. I truely hate myself.. after that I want to be a better me.. I realize for me to love again.. I have to be perfect.. I can't make mistakes.. I must be better then I was.. I have to adapt to what happened.. because this pain is enough for a lifetime.. I don't ever wanna feel like this ever again.. and at the same time I wont ever feel the way I did/do for a person then for you.. you really don't understand if it wasn't for us falling out this past two weeks.. I wanted to propose to you.. if you felt like how you did three weeks ago about having a baby.. I wanted to do that.. you are and still is it for me.. but again its not on how I feel, its on how you feel.. and that brings this post up.. ten months and I don't regret any of it.. I just wished those bad times I can get back.. I wish I stayed true to myself I wish I was my old self and mature.. I wish I was more for you then.. now im here by myself back tracking.. striving to be all that and more for you.. only difference is.. w/o you..

understanding..

2011-07-11T01:37:00.001-04:00

I now understand the reasons why I am how I am.. as far as talking to you.. I know almost everything that come out my mouth is serious and emotional.. its the fact that I wont be here for to much longer.. and I just want to get everything that's bottled in out and I feel rushed because the time we do spend together is not much.. and with you being busy I can't tell you all that I want to.. its like I can't afford to leave things unsaid and miss my opportunities to.. because the time and the convos I can't get back.. its like a uphill battle.. and I know it gets tiring listening to me pouring my heart out.. I want to but at the same time I want us to have fun.. enjoy us talking and being together.. like how it was before. But realistically that's not going to happen, time will tell because we still going through that shit.. and I can tell you right now, with what I done, it wont ever go away as much as I try not to think about it, it just wont.. I can go and come back for all that time and still be effect by it.. I can tell you right now when im gone for all that time, you will always be on my mind.. always wondering what your doing, how you are, thinking about me.. everything.. and through this time of thinking I realize, whats going through your mind right now as far as us.. I mean I can hope, pray, make deals with god, tell you how much I feel, tell you through all that time im still here for you, im still with you all I want but really its all on how you feel.. like our relationship our future is soley on you.. I can tell you that time I can wait for you no problem, and really I can, and I will but that doesn't effect your needs, its gonna be hard with me not here.. as much as I hate to think about the possibility of you seeing somebody else, as much as that's gonna hurt me.. I will understand the fact.. I alway tell myself I swear if she cheats im leaving you.. but when you mature.. with a situation of a cruise you just don't know.. like as much as I would hate for it to happen and how hurt I would be.. how much I want to leave.. I would understand and I love you so much that I don't know if it did happen.. just like when my dad lost contact with my mom and she had my 2 brothers and sister with somebody else.. my dad had an Idea what was going on and he understood that he was gone and couldn't feel that void.. but the love that my dad had for my mom surpass that.. and its the same love that I have for you.. I just pray that our love for each other.. the love that you have for me is strong enough still.. and through that time I know the feeling of deprived will arise like.. you'll be waiting for me basically waiting for life.. its all to much everything is stacked up against us on this.. and I can understand the notion to leave me.. if it happens, ill understand you.. life would go on and my life would go on just fine, and you'll be just fine.. but the thing is I don't want my life to be just fine.. I want perfect, extraordinary, I want real life, real love.. that's always been my dream.. real love, it used to be a female sneakerhead as fucked up as me.. but I found you and you are all that I ever want minus sneakerhead.. I wanted something that's meant to be and not gonna fail, and with all that we been through we still together.. you, your love, your personality, everything about you is perfect to me.. but at the same time I can't be all on me.. its also what you want.. and I know im not all the way there yet but I will get there.. I will mature more, I will get smarter, I will look better, my future will look brighter with school.. I will grow on you.. conclusion I refuse to give up on you, on our love, on a bright and loving future.. I just ask of you to don't give up on me..

Because basically your gonna wanna see what happens next..

That feeling..

2011-07-06T23:06:00.002-04:00

Loneliness.. even though your with somebody and love that person.. not in a sense of physical deprivation.. its more of those times you miss with that person.. its alot different in my situation given that I travel.. and I don't have much time so its only natural for me to want to see that person as much as possible.. but that person is busy.. and im just stuck.. this post is just stuck.. I can't finis this post because I just don't know.. all I know is wait.. waiting.. I will always wait for you.. for you to realize, we deserve eachother..

Free will..

2011-06-28T22:52:00.002-04:00

In the sims game.. you can control eating, workout, activities, all in all someones life.. basically control a character's every move.. In a relationship stand point, when it comes down to love.. you have limited influence on the aspect.. you can control who to love but most of the time you can't control the reaction.. the other party's stand point.. this concept directly correlates to real life.. not in a sense of complete free will but the fact in love.. you cannot make someone feel how you feel.. you can't make someone love you.. you can only influence somebody of the type of person you are and hope for the best possible outcome.. its intervening in a divine picture but honestly I would love to show you, make you feel about me as if I feel about you.. to look into me in the truest form and just love me, how I love you..

Free Will.

2011-04-25T11:56:00.001-04:00

When I talked to my mom.. tryna explain the situation.. generally speaking with no specifics.. she just tells me.. ken ken I don't know what to tell you.. you can't make somebody want you.. you can't make somebody love you.. how you feel about somebody, like you can love them with every ounce of love in your heart, do anything for that person and would give your soul to that person, doesn't have any effect on how the other person feel nor can bring you both together.. I say all of this because, honestly I have no idea how you feel.. with you being confused, me tryna figure out something I can't by myself.. its frustrating.. every thought comes to mind.. and im feeling bad.. my confidence is at its lowest, I don't feel wanted.. feeling not good enough.. I shouldn't feel like this.. its plain to see that your breaking me down to pieces.. turned an egoist to a person that second guess everything.. a person that didn't think he had a heart to a person that's emotional unstable at times.. effecting my mood constantly.. im not ashamed to admit all of this.. im bothered by it alittle to be honest.. never saw myself admitting to the fact that somebody has this much effect on me.. I was like a vault before you, locked down.. its apparent that you opened me up..

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I might not be..

2011-04-23T11:48:00.001-04:00

Its like I cannot front and be what im not.. ill admit im not ashamed of letting my feelings be known.. im sensitive.. and I understand girls don't like a push over.. but I remember you always saying you love the fact that I let my feelings be know.. its a mix between the person I am and me being scared to lose you.. like I can't play games with you.. I can't be like alittle kid and break up with you and test your love for me.. or stop talking to you, to make you think, or feel so type of way.. im not gonna sit here and be like if you don't want me then somebody else will.. im pretty sure I know there are others out there.. but I know what I want, I know what I love.. my love for you is full grown.. and I know I may go overboard with it. but it is exactly how im feeling.. as much as I want to sugar coat it and be someone im not.. the ideal person you want me to be.. I can only just be me.. its crazy to say but I love you alittle more day by day.. while your confused.. I know in your heart there's a place for me, I know in your heart you love me.. I just wanna appologize for not being the person.. I wish I could be exactly the person you want me to be, but I just can't.. its timing and how I am, how much I wanna be with you, that make me do the things that I do, the things that I say to you.. I scramble around tryna figure out ways to keep you.. as much as I don't want to, I thought about changing who I am, to better suit you.. asking you, what should I do, what do you want me to be.. but I can't do that.. but I know it takes two and your not feeling it right now.. 10% of me is telling myself to be like look if we're not together then we can't be anything, wanting me to draw the line.. 90% of me just want to be with you, no matter what the cost is.. if I get hurt at the end, no matter if you gotta stay confused for a week, a month, 7 months, 2 years.. but in reality there have to be a conclusion to it.. and nooo im not saying get back with me now.. im not tryna push you away.. I really wish it was a perfect world we live the perfect life.. but we're not.. I know tryna be with me is hard.. but like I always say, what's good never comes easy.. with all that's going on, I day dream about everything just being better..

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..

2011-04-15T14:05:00.001-04:00

And he knows that..
Because he knows her..
Hard to hide his feeling’s..
As it engulfs her..
Now she’s a bright blaze..
Light rays..
A shooting out Phoenix on fire..
Buring up the night scape..

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im at the jewelry store and..

2011-04-14T23:16:00.001-04:00

Bobby caldwell- what you do for love plays.

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OOC.

2011-04-13T22:06:00.001-04:00

It comes to a point where a person have to give in to the urge.. and I am at that point right now.. today this physically responded to everything that's going on to a point that I stopped what I was doing and had to come myself down.. I know it sounds crazy but its just the fact that I can't function.. so im at that point where I have to try and reach out to you.. because I can't take not hearing your voice anymore, hearing from you in general.. if you don't reply back id understand.. and except the fact.. but I just have to try..

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in my mind.

2011-04-13T13:50:00.001-04:00

Little things like my thought process is effected by this.. i broke down at work already.. not in a sense of crying.. but I just couldn't escape it in my mind to the point I had to stop what I was doing.. because I was so frustrated.. i still hardly ever eat.. my drinking and smoking intake out weights how much im eating.. I feel weak.. im exhausted with sleeping all the time and crying to the point that I have lost of breath.. im suffocating.. suffocating because im not with you and you don't want to have anything to do with me.. I just want to see you and talk to you.. but I know its going to take alot for you to reach out to me and decide to talk to me let alone see me..

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Nothing i buy.. can buy more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it..

2011-04-12T23:47:00.003-04:00

Money can't buy love.. it damn sure cant buy forgiveness.. no matter what I say do or went out and buy nothing changes what it did..

Reaching..

2011-04-12T15:33:00.002-04:00

Its so hard not to try and reach out to you right now.. to the point where im at our text convo.. with the keyboard up tryna find the words to say.. shaking, because I just need to say something and then realize that you don't want to talk to me.. that you don't have any words for me.. with the blog its like im reaching out for me and your pushing my hand away.. though it hurts me deep.. but I understand completely.. I don't know if your reading this or not.. I can only wonder right now.. im feeling every second that goes by, not talking to you..

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..

2011-04-12T15:20:00.002-04:00

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Illuminate.

2011-04-12T12:37:00.001-04:00

With days going by.. its hard to wake up and get out of the bed.. most of the time I don't have the energy to get up.. staying up past 2 or 3 just in hopes of you just sending me a text or call me. Even though its not going to happen.. until I eventually my eyes get to heavy, worn out by how many tears flow through them, waking up knowing how the day would go by.. knowing what your going through.. wondering if your thinking about me, like I think about you.. if your thinking about me in the worst possible ways or if your seeing any type of light in me.. its bothering me constantly and will continue to.. for as long as I live.. im crying out for help, because im just battling with so much.. with praying that you can see me and you in that light again, me living with what I did.. I can't tell you enough how much im sorry for what I did.. what I created.. my heart was built by you.. and me hurting you.. its geting crushed, off of what I did.. this pain you inherent can't be reversed.. and im hurting off of what I did.. in the worst pain I have ever experienced..

Get my heart out of this hell and my mind out of this jail..

2011-04-12T03:43:00.001-04:00

Just thinking about it.. I can't sleep.. thinking about you.. all the memories.. I remember everything, all the good, up into this bad.. hoping all the good surpasses the bad but knowing this would put a permanent scar. That this is forgivable.. I just been going back and forth to my car to cry and smoke.. even though nothing can erase what I did.. been doing, the smallest good deeds like picking up trash helping people out hoping god sees that im tryna turn things around starting with little thing but all that don't matter.. what matters is that before all of this I told you wouldn't ever do you wrong and look what I did.. its really hard living with myself knowing what I've done.. knowing that I may not be able to make things right with you and you wont ever talk to me.. I just have in mind that in the slightest chance you would forgive me and it would be the end of us and that's completely fine.. for you not to hate me after all of this.. but what im praying for is a miracle, for you to some how take me back and let me do right by you, in due time heal you, show you that person that was looking deep in your eyes at the fair, the person holding on to you on mighty mouse, the person walking with you at alki. The time spent at the lake.. the late night on the phone.. That heart beat you hear.. the chest you layed you head on.. the person that loves you..

As much as you would think i dont mean it..

2011-04-12T02:23:00.001-04:00

I love you.

Beautiful Mistake..

2011-04-12T02:19:00.001-04:00

I downloaded the song and listened to it a couple times.. and it hurt me deep.. deep in my heart that I know you don't see me for who I am anymore.. that you regret us happening.. im so lost right now.. this is the sadest I have ever been in my life.. to the point of depression.. and I deserve it.. I deserve to hurt.. I deserve to suffer more.. you shouldn't show sympathy.. I understand why you could see me, how I appear to you right now.. every moment in my life every, second that goes by is full of pain.. I stopped wearing the wooden piece because I know god is disappointed at what I did.. I pray for guidance, I pray for you to find it in your heart, the love that's dissolving, to see me, to try and forgive me.. I had faith in this love. That it was divine, that all the coincidences are signs from above.. but its not what I feel. It always have to be double sided.. and with the song, makes me feel that the love you have for me is gone.. the faith is lost.. though its bad, I am very delusional and not wanna give into the fact its the end.. its not me being crazy, its me not giving up.. I know this is alot to take in and im sorry..

757-338-5394

2011-04-12T00:14:00.000-04:00

Its been 3 days since I heard your voice.. the longest 3 days in my life.. thinking about it, thinking about you constantly, thinking about what your doing, going through it, if your reading this, if you hate me, regreting me.. im constantly looking at my phone at the times you would hmu, every time I hear my phone go off thinking its you (knowing that its more then likely not).. every voicemail I get, I start thinking its you, and I start crying off the fact that if it is you, you would be breaking down on the phone.. doing the same things like gassing up the car.. im not drinking because its making things worst for me.. just thinking that there might be a chance that we'll talk about it.. knowing more then likely its not gonna happen.. its cutting me deep.. not talking to you and I did this to us.. even though you wont believe me, think that im lying, I miss you like shit right now.. everything about you.. and it hurts to know that I wont have you back..

Music.

2011-04-11T23:58:00.001-04:00

I can't cope with what I did to you.. I listen to music, post songs reflecting how I feel.. but that couldn't begin to express how I feel.. you would have to see for yourself how much of a mess that im in.. and it goes both ways, I know your hurt, crying, thinking about it as much as I do.. and if we was to see each other tonight.. just one glance at you I would break down.. the drive there, I would be in tears the entire time, just like when I left that night.. and I realize in most of my post its I, I, I.. mainly because I couldn't imagine exactly how much its taking a toll on you.. its very selfish for me to put my feelings out and potentially make you feel bad about it.. with everything that's going on in your life on top of this.. I know your in the worst shape possible.. and I am to blame.. the guilt I have, takes over.. and I truely hate myself right now.. I can't look at myself in the mirror for long.. in my room in the dark.. it all sounds crazy, you might think im going crazy.. but im not.. its just how horrible I feel about it.. feel that the love for you is taking over me.. and punishing me for hurting you.. just thinking about for I possibly made this love go to waste..

Mistake..

2011-04-11T21:53:00.000-04:00

With what I did.. I know your second guessing what type of person I am, begining to regret me and feel as if I was a waste of time.. and its just looking bad right now.. that one mistake hurt you in so many ways.. I can't imagine what your going through.. you couldn't begin to understand how bad I feel about this.. but it doesn't matter how I feel.. I said life is sooo cold without you.. because its like im dead out here.. I don't go anywhere, I hardly ever eat, I stay to myself in my room, sleeping to ease the pain in my mind.. but I don't want to ease anything with the guilt that I have, I need to feel hurt for what I did, I need to lose sleep, starve, distant myself from people, mentally break down.. I write all of this to show you that I see the error in what I did, how much its effecting you.. and I just hope you read it, and try to understand that im truely sorry and I owe it to you to make right by you..

that night.

2011-04-11T16:59:00.000-04:00

The look on your face and the tears running down your cheek.. I remember it vividly and it just haunts me, right now that's all I see when I think of you.. the hurt, the fact that I did that.. my heart is breaking my mind down.. everyday that goes by the worst it gets.. especially today, just thinking that your at work.. can't concentrate because your thinking about how much I hurt you.. plus the fact that there's so much other things going on.. basically every thought that comes to your mind I thought about it to.. and im trapped in it.. trapped in my mind.. how could I mess up something so beautiful.. so promising.. so real.. divine.. ommmgg I don't know what to do with myself.. I don't know what I can do for you.. being as the damage is done and I can't take it back.. so I gotta pray that you see past the hate your building with the little bit of love you have left.. you might think im crazy now.. how im talking on here.. with me saying, but its how I feel.. im scared of losing you, and with me thinking about it all I realized that I have.. but the hope that I have makes me delusional to see otherwise.. that you'll forgive and give me the chance to make right.. and show you the person I am and always been (that just made the biggest mistake in his life).. in our lives.. meaning if its really meant to be it is divine intervention.. or you decide not to talk to me, you'll be so effected by this.. its been 3days and believe that life is sooo cold without you..

i dony know where the fuck my head is..

2011-04-11T02:00:00.000-04:00

Its so hard to not call or text you right now.. its been 2days.. and not hereing your voice.. cutts me deep.. and I know you don't even want to talk to me whatssoever.. perhaps even let alone hear my voice and being annoyed that I kept on hittin you up.. and I understand that you just plain and simple don't have now words for me.. or your just hurt that you don't want to talk to anyone right now.. and im so fucked up from it right now.. that im outing more shit on your plate that your dealing with.. its alot foe me to take in right now. My sober minh can't cut it that I've been drinking.. drinking doesn't help what's so ever.. I still think about ut and I want it to stay that way.. I deserve for my concious to eat away at me and I don't think about anythinhv else..

The pain in your eyes..

2011-04-10T19:40:00.001-04:00

I can't begin to imagine what's going on in your mind.. and how hurt you are right now.. and its eating me alive.. that you can't trust me.. that you see me full of lies.. dislike for me taking over.. how fucked up it is what I did.. seeing me as one of the other niggas you talked to.. how deceiving I come off.. and there's nothing I can do to show otherwise but to pour my heart out on here and hope your reading.. there's no amount of appology that can change it.. I can't tell you how bad I feel off it enough.. I plain and simple can't tell you how sorry I am enough.. I can't tell you enough that im praying you look deep in your heart and see me for me.. the real me, the person you know, and not the deceiving, non trust worthy person you have in your mind, and give the real me, the person you love.. the slightest chance to do right by you.. to heal the deep wounds created by me, show you that im not any of what you have in mind.. to show you that I am your soulmate.. that you are my everything..

Best thing that ever happened to me and..

2011-04-10T16:49:00.000-04:00

Just the thought of losing you.. I don't know how imma manage.. your perfect for me.. even though you might disagree right now and not believe me but I fell in love with everything about you.. from your hair follicles to your toe nails.. your the most beautiful girl.. your a beautiful person.. you are classy not ratchet whatsoever.. your loving.. despite everything that goes on your pushing to better yourself.. your nurturing.. you could be the best mother.. the best wife.. and I lost that.. everything I wanted in my life.. and I lost it.. off what I did I don't deserve you.. I wont ever find anybody that will compare to you.. i wont have the energy to.. I wouldnt want to.. because imma be haunt by this..

Look deep..

2011-04-10T16:45:00.000-04:00

I hurt the person that cared for me the most.. that despite everything that's going on would hold on for me.. that would fight for me.. that just truely loves me.. I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life.. im sick.. I can't eat.. I can't sleep.. I cry everytime I think about you.. I think about it.. I thinking about it all day.. so I cry all day.. I've went through 2packs of cigarettes since it happened.. I drank a bottle of henny.. im just losing it.. mentally and physically.. I can't believe what I've done.. how bad I treated the person I loved with all my heart.. my world.. my future.. looked at as if we were already married.. thought about having a baby with you.. the person I would do anything for.. the person id die for.. die so you wouldn't feel not one ounce of sadness.. though it all sounds crazy.. im not crazy whatsoever but that's how this feels like.. but my feeling isn't important.. its the fact that I brought this hurt on you..

Reality..

2011-04-10T13:32:00.003-04:00

When I comes down to it.. I know what I've done.. hurt you in the worst way possible.. and as much as I pray that you see me the same.. I know in reality that you can't.. and that I broke the trust.. and this just broke the bond we have.. and its so hard to live with the fact that I did this.. you deserved better then this.. and I just fucked up so bad.. that its eating away in my heart.. like I have anxiety, smoking so much.. shaking every time im posting.. my face and my eyes are dried out by how much I cry.. that's how bad I feel about it.. and me posting doesnt help how you feeling right now.. that your so hurt right now.. on top of dealing with everything else.. this is the worst thing I could ever do.. and im fucked up on that.. I just pray that you see me for me and find it in your heart to forgive me.. but I know deep down you can't.. and that just kills me..

idk..

2011-04-10T01:58:00.000-04:00

I completely seen the error I've made.. and as much its impacting you.. and I understand it wont be the same.. and im beating myself up about it.. my mind wont let me not think about it and I don't want it to.. I feel as if I deserve pain for what I've done.. but still that wont change what happened and the effects on you.. im haunted by this.. and I deserve everything that's gonna happen.. either you hate me and not wanna see me anymore.. even then it will haunt me.. and my inside will be dying off.. this is killing me.. and what I've done is killing you.. I just ask you to look deep in your heart and see me as the person you know and see me in that light.. its ok if you just not wanna talk to me anymore.. I just beg of you not to hate me.. because I love you so much that im going crazy right now..

Theres no lyrics for this title.. this is strickly the words of me..

2011-04-09T23:21:00.000-04:00

I understand that you don't have no words for me.. I can't blame you.. the reason why I use the blog.. is to convey to you.. indirectly of course I much rather direct.. I wanna talk about it. But I understand why that can't be.. I use it in hopes that you decide to read it.. im pouring my heart out.. but again none of it matters, the fact of the matter is that your hurt by me.. none of this will change the fact.. no matter how much I cry, how much I say that I feel so bad about it.. how much I say sorry.. how much henny I drink.. how many packs of cigarettes I go through just now.. it wont change it.. I feel the worst on the fact that your already going through it and im just adding on to it.. and I know its going to be hard to forgive me on this and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.... but just please bae, see the good in me.. the person that I am.. and recognize this is me talking.. like I feel the worst that I have ever felt in my life.. felt as if somebody died.. I always say that the love I have for you that basically your my other half and It felt like that part of me died, when you got out the car last night and just said bye.. I can't tell you how much im sorry.. there's absolutely no type of appology for what I've done.. I fucked up so bad.. and I don't have no idea what to do.. its all my fault.. im a fuckin dumbass.. you could never forgive me and would hate me.. if you don't want to talk to me anymore I would understand, if you would never see me in that light again I would understand.. just please read and understand that im truely sorry.. that this is me talking to you.. the person you fell in love with.. that's willing to fight for our love, the person that tells you to feel my heart beat, lay on my chest, the person that wanna marry you, have a daughter, son just build it all with you.. and that I love you..

Next minute im crying.. next minute im dying..

2011-04-09T16:56:00.001-04:00

The best thing that ever happened to me and I took it for granted.. made you feel like shit.. and its taking a toll on me like crazy.. I let you down.. you put me on a high petestol.. look at me as I had no flaws as far as being a person.. and I just fucked it up.. my conscious is eating away at me.. I can't think about anything but this.. its like when I lost you early this year.. consistantly breaking down.. but 10 times worst.. im actually tearing up every blog post.. just going through out the day wondering what your doing, if your breaking down in pain.. losing the love you have in me, starting to hate me.. its to much to think about.. that im crying right now.. im barely eating, all I want to do is sleep.. im not saying all of this to make you feel worst or anything.. its me letting you know that I realized what I've done.. and just the thought that I hurt you.. I feel so bad right now.. words can't describe how im feeling.. I fucked my whole world up.. my life.. your my life.. and I understand that your really hurt by it.. it effects you in many ways.. and you wont see me the same ever again.. and that it'll effect our trust.. potentially hate me for it.. and scar you.. I don't know what to do.. I don't know how you feel about me crying and everything.. im crying not for the fact that you might leave. Im not doing this as sympathy on me, but this is exactly how I feel..

Man you can prolly feel me dying.. and you can prolly hear crying..

2011-04-09T12:04:00.000-04:00

Just convincing you that im not like any of these clown niggas out hear.. and I fell right in to that category.. with the shit that I did.. you said you don't know who this person your talking to anymore.. when I look in the mirror when I think about it I don't recognize me either.. im second guessing the person I really am now.. because the true would never do that.. hurt you.. somebody I love and care about, the person I love with all my heart.. Id give my soul to.. deep down I hurt you.. and I feel so low for that.. you didn't deserve that.. im at the point where karma comes back and whatever happens to me.. I would be ok with it.. it wouldn't change the fact that I hurt you.. im in a refrigerator, in the dark at work.. in tears.. I can't change anything.. I would give up everything to take it all back.. I hate that i hurt you.. its killing me..

and i know i did damage, cause the look in your eyes is killing me..

2011-04-09T11:41:00.002-04:00

Plain in simple.. with all that im saying doesnt change the fact that your hurting.. and I gotta live with the fact that I did you wrong.. for better or worst.. I feel so bad about it all.. as I should.. its not even about if I lose you now.. its because I hurt you.. that's reason why im damn near in tears at work.. yes I don't want to lose you.. but I couldn't blame you for hating me.. and for you to not wanna be with me anymore.. like I said last night I was tryna process it all in and when im alone it will hit me.. and it really is.. I can't function right now.. just thinking about it all wondering.. what you doing right now.. if your crying, in pain.. thinking about it.. removing all the love you have for me from you.. at first it was im sorry please don't leave me.. now its I just hurt the person I truely care about, and I pray with every second that goes by that she's thinking about me.. the real me.. the person she loves.. tryna see that person in the light of good.. im hurting because I hurt you.. the only person I have.. my world.. its just alot to take in.. and its all my fault..

I cant sleep..

2011-04-09T05:51:00.002-04:00

Off the fact of what I have done.. I can sit here and tell you over and over that im sorry.. I can't sleep, my conscious is eating away at me.. and I brought this on myself.. I deserve every bit of it.. karma should come and fuck me up.. but the truth of the matter is its not gonna make anything better.. your hurt.. because your hurt im hurt.. I created this hurt.. now I know that feeling of hurting someone I truely care about.. and I hate it.. I hate myself right now.. this slightest thing can deter.. the smallest thing impacts so much that I didn't realize.. the rest of our lives.. I understand it wont be the same nomore.. I resurfaced your trust issues.. you have no idea how bad I feel.. but that's not the case.. it doesnt change the fact that your hurt.. I didn't say all of this for you to show me sympathy for what I've done.. its to show how much I realized how much I fucked up.. its not the fact that people aren't perfect and shit.. its the fact that I really fucked up.. dumbshit for me to do.. and I know you don't wanna hear it right now but this shit wont never happen again.. and that I love you so very much..

That's love..

2011-03-21T01:34:00.002-04:00

Get off work..
Hurry back to your barracks room..
Take a half an hour shower..
All the while charge your phone..
Pick a fit that wont seem like your oding, but at the same time making an effort to look decent.. (in our case matching by surprise)..
Get dressed making sure you look semi perfect..
Jump in the car and fill up the tank.. while gassing up cleaning out the car..
Head back to base..
Refuse all alcoholic drinks because you think you'll be driving that night..
Take your clothes off set them at the foot of the bed and lay down..
Waiting in bed by the phone..

Knowing there's a slim chance your gonna see her tonight..
But your ready and waiting every night..

some would say your sprung, whipped, clinch, a dumb ass for doing all that.. but I would say making an effort.. tryna leave on the best terms possible before going underway.. eventhough not being together try continue that your still the holding on, so all this will pass and everything would be good.. being in love will make a person do the craziest things..

You cant turn a bad person good..

2011-03-21T01:31:00.000-04:00

But when a good person gone bad..

They're gone forever..

Got me on layaway.. girl you got a hold on me..

2011-03-20T16:27:00.001-04:00

You don't wanna have me then somebody will..
I'm playing..
Weight on my chest like I body build..
I'm praying..
You ain't content with trying to do your thing..
Hey come back baby boomerang..

and all of these emotions are pouring out of me..

2011-03-15T00:28:00.002-04:00

This has been the hardest times of my life.. with me going through shit, things back home being somewhat on the up and up, but yet still fucked up.. and with the girl I love, still going through it.. I have no idea how to cope with everything that's going on.. family will listen but they're going through it themselves.. not wanting them to go through anymore stress because of me.. and to myself my problems, no mater what it is.. I don't see them as the priority to be handle.. knowing due time it'll work itself out.. always does.. I more so need for everything in the people I love, to be good.. its just pain all around.. coping with the fact is hard.. staying away from the drinking, tryna stay strong because I know nobody wanna see how much all this is affecting me, not tryna show weakness.. in a time where I need to be there for them..

learning is fundamental..

2011-03-12T14:06:00.000-05:00

There has never been anything that I couldn't get a grasp on doing.. being really good at learning and applying myself.. keywords applying myself.. when I don't apply myself, of course meaning I would give 2 fucks on what I was doing.. but most of the time, striving to be the best at what I wanna do.. its all been easy for me to learn something and practice it.. up until now, I find myself.. struggling in this situation.. "I", myself struggling to get a hold of myself.. you ignite, have me feeling like im on a euphoria trip off of you.. to somewhat desperate, strung out, not thinking in the right state of mind, paranoid.. sounding like an addiction.. by all means this isn't a cry for help or an ohh shit im crazy.. this is me being in love with you.. going from pure bliss, happiness in the most perfect way, promising love.. to uncertainty of what's gonna happen with us, trying so hard to hang on as you go through the motions in your life (aside from me).. being pressed with time and not knowing how to go about tryna spend the much needed time with you.. not knowing exactly what to do in this situation.. i tell you exactly how I feel constantly because I feel as if you need to hear constantly with all that's going on, as a safe line, so you not for once think that my love for you change or im not making the effort.. maybe overdoing it at times say shit that shouldn't be said just yet.. I don't mean no harm in it but im feeling as if again its stressing you, with to much going on right now.. but at the same how can I show effort, when I don't.. and me not seeing you as much as I thought I would, I wished since I been back.. basically I just don't want time to run out on us, where I can't convince you to listen to your heart, with everything you say to me.. going back to the topic at hand.. I can learn and adapt, I just need you to tell me, let me know what can I do?.. what do you want me to do?..

P.s 143..

the emotional outburst.. the convo.. the wine.. a cup of noodles..

2011-03-11T04:20:00.007-05:00

Its hard to mask your feelings to someone.. all the while, trying to persuading them to listen to what they're heart is telling them.. one would say I am well spoken, always pick and choose my words wisely.. thinking about every outcome and response that would result.. determining by body language and tone of the person, what my next couple of words or rather in turn body laugage and tone.. I could be talking to my closest friends to my enemies and you wouldn't tell the difference in the way I insinuate according to the case given.. but when you talk to that person you fall in love with.. there is no hesitation on expressing how you feel.. not missing a beat, annotating basically.. its contrair for me to do that.. I never imagine how much of impact you make on me.. the smallest things like the way I talk.. guilt feeling afterwards, feeling like maybe I shouldn't have said all of that.. perhaps even coming off strong.. realizing im changing into a person, that's not yourself.. emotionally unstable because of the mentality you built being away from her.. wanting her to know and understand your feelings.. aside from all of that, seeking elaborating feelings that person have for you.. so you can have a clear picture of if the effort and time spent convincing this person is well spent or in vain.. nonetheless knowing deep down that person really do care and love you like they say.. im in need of satisfaction, on knowing when all the grey skies turn back into sunny days.. that she will be there.. giving the same effort in return, for your effort fighting to keep her, convincing her.. that there's gonna be a future at the end of this.. and not mermories of good times, regret and wondering what's was the meaning of all the potential, us.. wondering what could've been..

P.s I love you..

When I..

2011-01-10T01:51:00.000-05:00

Grab your neck..
I touch your sooouuullll..

Fight for me..

2011-01-06T13:28:00.003-05:00

I remember us being in the car, looking comparing the size of each others hands.. and I said "you have tiny nuckles".. you laughed and grabbed my hand and rubbed my nuckles, you replied "that's way I have you, to fight for me".. I said, of course I would.. now im in the worst fight in my life, but im fighting.. holding my own against this pain.. its been rough, but just the thought of better days.. giving me hope that this is just a major hurdle, that we can pass and nothing would stop us from our relationship of pure bliss.. I just ask of you as im fighting.. that when that time comes, when your good.. your good with your family.. that you meet me half way, and fight for me.. tell them everything.. I know its gonna be hard, but please don't give up on me, on us, our potential.. the night before it happened I asked you, now am I worth fighting, are we worth fighting for, you said yes..

Just the thought..

2011-01-06T04:45:00.002-05:00

Of everything back to normal with you and your family.. you telling them everything.. them being understanding and more then happy for us to be back together.. me not going to sea as much.. (her favorite) me in college growing my hair back out... that thought just makes me feel better.. gives me hope.. I LOVE YOU TOO MA..

its crazy..

2011-01-06T01:29:00.002-05:00

What happened to the sun?.. when this happened.. it started raining again.. and the normal cold, sunless days came back..

??????????..

This song.. These words.. all i listen to..

2011-01-05T22:17:00.004-05:00

Sun won't shine, moon wont glow..
This star of me, is my star nomore..
I did you wrong, but this I know..
Come keep me warm please, girl I'm so cold..
Woah (Oh) yeah (eh) (Oh) (woo)oooohhh

Lemme talk to ya..
Cold winter nights, by myself, blankets just won't do..
I need your help..
Cause I don't wanna miss the way your body feels no'more.. No I don't.
It's only been two days, since you been gone..
But those few moments, feel so long..
Now I'm sitting at the edge of my bed with my hands on head..
And the only thing I've been thinking "why I'm alone in this bed? "

I can't let you go..
I won't let you leave..
One thing that I know is that baby, you were made for me fo' sure..
My life is in your hands, I'm meant to be your man..
We're made to be together..
so baby no (no) don't (don't) go..
Girl if you don't know, I'll give my heart I'll give my soul fo'suree..
I'm right here on my knees, if you were to leave I'll lose my everything..

You complete me baby..
Don't you let nothing come between us..
hey (hey) (aye)..

Alcohol has been my best friend and I admit some tears have passed my chin..
Crying in the bed over you just ain't manly, but I don't give a damn..
Cause I can wash these pillow cases and I can change these sheets baby..
But I need you back in the crib cooking up some of that good chicken and gravy..
Mashed potatoes, Homemade lemonade..
Want you back to the old days, you've been with me since I had long braids..

And I can't let you go..
I won't let you leave..
One thing that I know is that baby..
You were made for me fo' sure..
My life is in your hands, I'm meant to be your man..
We're made to be together..
so baby no (no) don't (don't) go..
Girl if you don't know, I'll give my heart I'll give my soul fo'suree..
I'm right here on my knees, if you were to leave..
I'll lose my everything..

Girl my heart won't beat right..
I can't sleep nights..
Ooh your haunting my dreams..
All I know is I want to hold to memories..
When you touch I touch you..
When your moaning you scream..
(Ohh) girl you know just what you do to me..
I acted so stupidly and unless you wanna take my soul..
(no) don't go (don't goo)

I can't let you go..
I won't let you leave..
One thing that I know is that baby you were made for me fo' sure..
My life is in your hands, I'm meant to be your man..
We're made to be together..
so baby no (no) don't (don't) go..
Girl if you don't know, I'll give my heart..
I'll give my soul fo'suree..
I'm right here on my knees..
if you were to leave..
I'll lose my everything..

(Don't you go away)..
Stop.. I cant..

(No baby no don't you go away)..
I just.. i just need time..

(Don't you leave me girl)..
Don't do this..

(Don't you leave me giirrrrllllll)..
Please..

(Don't you leave me girl)..
I got alot on my mind..

(Don't you leave me girl)..
Baby.. babe.. baby stop it..

OK..

(WE'RE MADE TO BE TOGTHER)!!!!!
*I'LL STAY*..

And there is no japedo to guide me, no one right beside me, The only one was behind me, I can't find her no more.. I can't find her no more.. I can't.

2011-01-05T20:02:00.003-05:00

Its been 2 days since you been gone.. and quite frankly it feels like my world ended.. im not taking it well at all.. I thought I was stonger then this.. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea it would be like this.. its the worst thing I've ever went through.. the reason why it hurts is that I grew to love you so much.. I can't recall the last time I was that happy being with you.. I just believed in you.. in me and you.. believed in all the coincidences.. believe in us forever, the potential that this relationship would manifest into something beautiful.. and just out of no where, the light just switched off.. it hurts for the fact I couldn't prevent it nor I couldnt help.. It was like i had to seat there and watch it all unfold while, I was tied up.. tryna fight but I can't break loose.. words can't describe how I feel.. I don't want you to think of me as a weak person or see me in a different way, think im crazy.. I just can't control my emotions, going through this pain.. its never good to keep it in.. in which, I've really been keeping to myself because I don't want my friends to see me like this.. (sounds familiar?).. talking to people I work with is hard.. half the time I walk away.. giving me that bullshit there's plenty of fish in the see or there's was life before, and one after her.. that's some dumb shit.. to me you are that goldfish from back in the day as a kid.. normally ones first pet.. you feel in love with it.. feed it watched it eat, spent hours looking at it.. till one day you see it and its just gone.. you'd give anything to have that gold fish back.. so you just stop buying gold fish.. you loved that one so much.. you'd try other ones but they're gone in a couple days.. also there was life before you.. Its had to image one without you after.. because I thought about LIFE with you.. being with you holding your hand, kissing your ring finger.. I just believed in you, in us.. all of this is prolly out of context, actually less then I planned to write.. but right now im breaking down I can't think of anything to write.. imma leave it at this for the time being..

I love you..

Who knew my home for happiness..

2011-01-04T06:14:00.000-05:00

Would soon be misery?..

Threw my name through the mud.. Who's provoking you?..

2011-01-03T22:11:00.007-05:00

All my life I was never perceived to be an bad guy, negative individual or rather trfilin (or in this matter, greezy nigga).. Every person I came across, embraced me, befriended me or plain just have good things to say about me.. perhaps there was a couple odd balls that thought otherwise, but it was alright because most of the time I would get a chance to hear out they're 2 cent and I would seek understanding later on, in doing so one would see what type of person I am, in which change they're perception of me and we would become cool..

Im really bothered, I would also say devastated in what im going through right now.. like I said im favored by many and there was that minor amount of people that would protest.. some later on came around.. some was like it is what it is.. but in the predicament im in.. is something contrary of what I've ever experienced.. being perceived as such a horrible person/ or just being disliked for some reason I have no idea of and I can reach out and change they're minds.. alright one would say why in the fuck does it matter..? Shouldn't care what people think about you.. I lived by that all my life.. I grew to not care what people think.. but when they feel some type of way towards me or just have bad things to say and start to treat the person I love, my world, somebody I really care about differently, soley because of me.. it hurts me.. im appalled actually.. how can you make a complete perception/ or even treat somebody you don't even know, never made an attempt to know, who really seeked acceptance of you, so me and her can be happy.. like that.. in which we share a common interest because she is your own.. im hurting because she going through this.. its a lose lose situation.. I feel like I can't win, I was never given the opportunity to show you the real side of me, so you can see me in another light.. but at the same time did you asked how she feel, how am I, are you happy?.. or just didn't care continue to throw my name in the mud, act different towards her.. it hurts because this could possibly end something beautiful, coincidental, promising.. I just wonder why?.. to those who this may concern, you know who you are.. im not coming at you any type of way because I don't really know you like that (but I know this is kinda fucked up don't you think?..) I just ask look at the blog, seek any type of enlightment of me.. or just plain in simple ask her.. to her.. I love you..

I don't really know why exactly I posted this.. I just felt like it was needed.. [/rant,vent,soliloquy]

War..

2011-01-03T03:17:00.003-05:00

All that time with your friends put my momentum on decline..
My minds gone evil..
You changed with the season..
You had a new clear heart..
Guess I was Hiroshima...............

So now I need some xanex..
Some remy..
& some riefer..
So when this war is over I'm not PTSD'n..
& I don't wanna leave her..
But you know what got me wondering..
I'm scared to lose HER love..
But even more scared of love again..

Just another product of the matrix.. This maze I'm in amazes me at times..

2011-01-02T15:38:00.003-05:00

So I'm hurtin..
My effort is apparent..
And she is not fertile..

=/..

I'm catching myself depositing these feelings.. she withdraw from..

2011-01-02T14:09:00.003-05:00

With all do respect I do respect you.. enough to expect..
Effort is all I ask..
If we gon' last more I gotta ask for more..
And if that means I'm askin for too much..
I'm sure will end up as our last..
or pass..
we bash..
we blast..
we shoot..
we lose..
we pass war..

Let's pass war..

Reaching.....

why is the moment here and we're not together..

2010-12-05T18:44:00.002-05:00

Sick to my stomach, wanna vomit and I'm bummin ..
I ain't got a haircut in bout a month and I be frontin ..
When you callin in the mornin like you want it ..
But you don't you just be frontin, why you frontin?..

Either she's the one or im caught in the matrix..

2010-11-24T17:58:00.002-05:00

Everbody's like he's no item, please don't like him, he don't wife em, he one nights em.. now she don't like him, she never met him.. ________ try to take advantage of him, he wont let them, he don't need them. So he treats them how he treats them, better them then me, she don't agree with them ;-P.. she's mad at that, he's not having that. So those opposites attract like magnets..

You weren't perfect, but you made life worth it.. stick around some real feelings might surface..

2010-11-12T05:09:00.003-05:00

Till about 2am..
I call back and hang up..
And start to blame myself..

SOMEBODY HELP!!!..

Can't sleep..

1 thing that i know..

2010-11-12T03:19:00.005-05:00

Is baebee.. you were made for me.. fasho..

REACHING..

Full..

2010-11-11T23:41:00.002-05:00

Some places on veterans day offer free food on the particular day.. who am I not to take advantage..

Happy Veteran's Day..

2010-11-11T15:41:00.001-05:00

That^

Lets play the blame.. game.. i love you.. more..

2010-11-11T06:35:00.004-05:00

Things used to be, now they not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies..

Drab ass washington..

2010-09-17T23:00:00.002-04:00

I appreciate the rain these past couple days.. Im looking foward to the next couple months.. =)..

Go with the motions..

2010-09-17T01:28:00.002-04:00

I come to realize that if you want something go after it, is so bias in a sense.. You cant force things no matter what it is, you cant press, eventually you push it away.. Its good to just go with the motions and go with the flow.. And hope things go your way..

Im mad vexed..

2010-09-14T00:43:00.002-04:00

Promised id start posting yet again. What better way to resume, by giving you insight of my current state of being.. basically maintaining.. With this semi rough navy life.. tedious busy work, due to lack of under ways and purpose.. work hard play harder of course, so one is binge drinking.. Whylin.. Of course with to much time on hand.. Club scene is drawing dull.. tryna keep sane.. A change is needed.. [shrugs]

Imma take a stab at this one more time..

2010-07-24T15:30:00.001-04:00

So..

2010-02-15T01:27:00.001-05:00

I'm Reaching..

Food For Thought, Or Rather Mind Wine..

2010-02-08T01:44:00.003-05:00

Or not.. when underway, you have an immense amount of idle time, time to study for advancement, esws, quals.. time to workout.. time to chill and talk to friends on board.. take advantage of the time, yet you still have idle on your hands, so you result to reflect on things, life and ect.. theres nothing to impair the deep tension of your sober mind given that your on board ship.. so you cope with it by default.. i find myself thinking about someone and what was said, searching for understanding...... [thinking] [/soliloquy]

Underway..

2010-02-08T01:28:00.002-05:00

work work work.. is basically whats been going on.. so i decided to start posting again..

I came to the understanding that being on board ship is basically a continuance to high school, alot of dumb shit.. Nonetheless Ive been working hard.. and in return i got great feedback on my midterm evals.. got moved to a better position, so i can learn the supply aspect of my job better.. this underway period went exactly how i wanted it, establishing myself as a superb subordinate and soon to be leader (ep on the way by the way).

My Appologies on the delay..

2009-12-13T20:02:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to resume actively posting on here again. Been busy, hence the hiatus, nonetheless i will eventually come around and do so..

So..

2009-11-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

im out of bootcamp, in "a" school..

Getting back to the swing of things.

2009-07-07T08:03:00.000-04:00

I've been home for a week now and last night i finally got a nights rest. Getting reacclamated to this cold weather. My work ethic consist of me running basically my only concern. Just trying to get used to this past life...

Farewell Home!.

2009-06-28T05:35:00.005-04:00

I'm leaving the Pilipinas tomorrow morning to go back home to Newport News, VA.. Bittersweet feeling if i may add. I absolutely don't want to leave here but then again i kind of want to, so i can proceed with my life. The sooner i leave the soon i can come back. I'm projected to return here in 2011, if everything goes well.. In closing I'm going to miss everything about the Philippines and everyone from my family, friends, random people that i hoop with, the random people that looked at me and talked amongst themselves about me (basically everyone), tricycle and jeepney drivers, the store owners and the pinays i talked to.. Just a lot of love out here contrary of my first thought of coming here.. This trip opened my eyes and change my outlook on things..

PI i will miss you!..

See you soon!

During my trip here in PI..

2009-06-24T00:37:00.003-04:00

This is not a recap, that comes Little later.. Any who..

I met this person..

That person was like me in a sense..

That person brought me out of my element, made me become a better person in a sense..

That person didn't talk much, but there was a crazy vibe (a reminder most of human communication is non verbal, body language and tone will tell you everything about someone with/without. but lets steer back on track)..

That person left.. leaving me to question why?..

That person made me care and miss so much a complete stranger..

That's enough with my personal life..

COLD!

2009-06-18T07:50:00.003-04:00

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me %$@#! about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once-would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other !*$%$%! guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.
Source: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it)

Socially-Awkward Penguin

2009-06-17T00:22:00.006-04:00

Not that funny imo. but a lot of truth to the matter..

I be bored sometimes..

2009-06-10T00:02:00.003-04:00

info via. SC
Leaders 1345 in Chi-Town released these images of the Nike Air Hoop Structure. A Hi-Top version of the popular Air Triax 91’s. It’s no secret where these pair of kicks got their inspiration from. None other than the Air Jordan 8’s (Black/Aqua/Purple) shoe colorway. No specific date was posted on when the shoe will release but you can expect to see these drop within the year.

Nike is steadily changing retro pace hence more news of the Air Total Max Uptempo making a speedy return from 1997. The original silver/black colorway will make a retro return and a new red/black colorscheme will be introduced in the spring of 2010.

Gone.

2009-05-01T00:34:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow ill be leaving for the philippines for 2 months. Tryna accomplish being metally and physical ready for RTC. My brother and his family is coming, so ill get to my niece for the first time. When i come back ill try and post pics...

1/2 Waypoint

2009-04-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Of my Delay Entry Program career, and starting to get anxious. I will be leaving to go back home to the Phillipines for a couple months to visit my fam and hopefully hone up my running an stamina. posting via ps3 so imma stop here. psn kennethtjr if anybody wanna get bodied in mgo. 1love

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!

2009-03-16T19:34:00.002-04:00

Came across this on a site i frequent daily and it made me chuckle..

Just dropping some knowledge..

2009-03-09T11:18:00.006-04:00

Its seems as if JB is turning this year around for the better contrary to last year, a lot of great rumors are floating around by very reliable sources. Without further ado..

WHITE/RED 12s WILL BE RELEASING HOLIDAY 09 AND THATS NO RUMOR courtesy of TSG..

Nubuck 12s will be releasing (rumors has it 09/early 2010). Also an all white pair of 12s is releasing in December (theres pics but theyre not that special)

The Raging Bull 5s pack:
Red pair is suede with a 3m tongue and the grey pair base is all 3m with red accents (they look decent imo)

Supposedly the Do The Right Thing Pack (now separate releases)
Metallic Red 1s (og cw minus the rasta like liner smh)

Here's a pic with the 2 together, loving the og cw minus that liner. (expect the in July):

Bonus: Motorsport 6s
(don't get excited prolly wont be releasing, at least theres no word of that)

I know, once in a while a update would be decent..

2009-02-16T21:06:00.007-05:00

Nothings been going on lately, just more of the same. However my day of departure for RTC is creeping. It just broke the 200 day countdown and is at 197 as of today. Not exactly immensely significant but its a impactful reminder of how limited my time in virgina [the good part], also is with my family for a while [bad part]..

My Goons.. [insert late pass]

2009-01-27T21:27:00.003-05:00

O thou art mad because i makest a mockery of thee..

Commander in Chief Obama..

2009-01-20T22:18:00.002-05:00

UnWeigers or Weiger 2s??? ... ???

2009-01-20T22:03:00.002-05:00

Info via. SF and pics via. Jordan8420
In July of '06 Nike SB released the Weiger Dunk Low, named after Nike SB rider Wieger Van Wageningen. A very similar Dunk Low will be releasing later this year sporting a similar composition. Instead of black and white suede and a later on the later, Nike SB infuses this pair with what has been said to be griptape on the toe box to go along with suede. Release date is scheduled for July 2009.

My thoughts:
Basically I really like this shoe off the back, I’m a sucker for simple colorways. Let alone the colorway, I’m feeling the materials used grip tape for the toe box, of course suede is always nice touch and the swoosh and heel looks like patent leather. Cons on the other hand, an I mistaken when I say wieger’s minus the logo and storm trooper/venom lows after 2 months of release?? Nonetheless these will be picked up.. sorry for the nicknames too, adding hype smh at myself.. i contradict myself at times in these matters, but that's for another discussion..

Some Info i'd like to share..

2009-01-12T19:52:00.005-05:00

Here's some info i stumbled upon while doing my daily posts on various forums (very intresting [rubs chin]).. Bold being things that intrest me..

Info via. NT
Here is post from JaY~WaLkEr~23:
well im not 110% on the dates but i kno everything drops this summer and after. but that list of the double up packs on the other post WILL be dropping its gonna be 7s, 1s,and 5s, (this is all off memory so bare with me) the 7 pack will consist of a orlando color and bordaux 7s, the 1 pack will be the red, white, black (og color), and a celtics color.. a hall of fame pack will consist of 1s dubs and 6rings (very limited).. ajf 4s (hahaha i can see it now). the 60+ is gonna be a shoe and will have a 5s bottem thats all i can remember at the moment.. discuss..

Originally posted by dalazz, MarcSJ08, princejordan and tylerhundley:
DMP with 2 Vs (already been posted on the boards)
DMP with 2 7s (orlando magic colorway and raptors)
DMP with 2 1s (black toe colorway and celtics colorway)
French Blue and Bordeaux VII retros in the fall
2 quickstrike XIIs one in april, one in may ( )
white cement 3s in the slam dunk pack
true blue 3s are the choice for a pack aswell as of right now
A hall of fame pack that I hear will be split up into 4 different shoes, 6rings, a retro 1, retro 3, and a jordan 09.
and rumors about a Jordan XI snakeskin pack.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My thoughts on the info at hand is simply surprised. Being as how JB is stubborn and in denial, with they’re main focus is pushing hybrids and fusions to move the line in a different direction. Not wanting to be dependent on retros to keep them going. In which makes me surprised that all this time avoiding the evil retro monster, they finally feed into the masses demands.. I cant even complain though I thought I was done with retros and only copping pre 03 retros. But this indeed makes me look forward to what the future of JB has in store for us.. In closing with info dropping like this reminds me of the first emergence of the 08’ CDPs in fall of 07’ (I think might have been earlier), but without catalogue pics and production number and style code can really buy into this. Nonetheless if all is true I might have faith in JB again.. Come on JB keep retroing retro+ Cws and bring me back cg and sj 11s, white/red 12s and so on so forth…

Sneaker Spotlight Air 1/2 Cent

2009-01-03T18:41:00.004-05:00

As we get to sneaker spotlight of the 1/2 cent Little later.. First off I've finished reading the article and interview of penny in the sole mag this morning and would like to shed light on it contents..

Shitty pic sorry.

As for the article, focusing mainly covering Penny's signature sneaker line; breaking down the technologies used for each and the idea/ground brainstorming and assembly of the 1/2 cent. Regarding the interview i found Penny to be very knowledgeable about sneaker talk (although some his answers were sometimes repetitive). Penny spoke about relationship with Mike, his sig, life after the league and the up coming 1/2 cent. Things i took from the interview surprising are the penny and mike sneaker swap for one playoff game (involving flight 1s and ajIXs), and almost taking the hit for color code violations for the foamposite 1s solid blue stripped upper and working out at his Alma Mata Memphis 3 times a week play pick up games with the squad.. Bonus theres a Wale interview in regards of Penny.. Buy the Magazine haha..

Sneaker Spotlight #2
03/2009 Air 1/2 Cent (limited release)
344646-041 Varsity Royal/Black-Metallic Silver
$190.00

Sole Mag Cover w/Penny:

Air 1/2 Cent is by far my most anticipated sneaker of this year. Its a fusion of all the whole Penny series (air penny 1-4 and foamposite 1). Everything about this shoe is correct. The leather look really nice + the wings from the 1s + anding the sloping lines from the 2s + foamposite 1s stripping on the uppers. max air bag + icy soles from a mix of the 3 and the foampoiste 1 and the 3s sole + plus the exposed carbon fiber plate on the forefoot is crazy. Having the 1/2 logo on the heel as well as the penny logo on the ankle is a very nice touch. For $190 i personally think this shoe is worth every penny (pun intended i guess). I want a pair.. word to Li'l Penny

Catalog Pic:

Detail Pics: pics via. TSG

WDIWT And Today Minor Occurrence.....

2009-01-02T21:36:00.003-05:00

Off to the mall.. threw something on, it was raining..

Polo. Polo. 501s (raw denim project). Untweeds

Before hand, went to the mailbox and received my long awaited sole collector mag (issue 25 w/penny on the cover that i didn't get). Reason being long awaited, mainly because of the Penny interview about his line and the up coming air penny 1/2 cents. Which is a hybrid/fusion of the penny signature line (off of that i will be making a sneaker spot light post on them..). I'm not entirely finished with the article and interview, but when i finish, i will give a review on it and will be include in the 1/2 spot light post.

Incorporating A New Aspect On This Blog..

2008-12-31T20:55:00.006-05:00

In an attempt of make my blog not so one dimensional with just posting occurrences in my life.. I will be posting a Sneaker Spotlight, on kicks that catch my eye in the Kenneth T. perspective (kids remember to cop what you like period..). also in an attempt to attract more visitors and followers. With that said here goes Sneaker Spotlight Beta..

Here we have the unHeavens Gates SB Dunk low.. Un= meaning redesigning of a previous popular previously released sb. Original Heavens Gates were designed by Todd Jordan(Colorway designer of the Hulks and Todd Jordan Blazers..). The Inspiration being the Heavens Gates Logo. Basically summing up Heavens Gates group, they're or were a cult that believed the planet Earth was about to be recycled (wiped clean, refurbished and rejuvenated), and that the only chance to survive was to leave it immediately mean group suicide. The significance pertaining to Nike is that upon suicide the group wore DS black and white nikes (i think dunks). Due to Copyright Infringement the shoes wasn't released. I remember late January when info surfaced on Original Heavens Gates, i lurked everyday on NSB during school for updates on for those (they looked like pure sex to me), to find out the saddening fate of those (pun definitely not intended). without further ado.. the pics O_O

Heavens Gate Logo:

Original Heavens Gates:

UnHeavens Gates (unfutura looking shits, OGs FTMFW):

A New Year..

2008-12-31T20:45:00.001-05:00

First off.. Happy New Years all.. i hope those who made resolutions, stay committed and succeeds. As for myself, I will be overall tryna become a better person and live more righteous. Also become overly prepared for RTC, in a since physically and mentally ready. In which correlate with becoming a better person and living righteous..

Merry Christmas Eve..

2008-12-24T17:10:00.003-05:00

Well today i finally got done with the holiday shopping. Not that much money this year so i got what i can out of the Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet. Semi accomplished day getting everybody a present.. refer to the blogpost title. One love.

The Release..

2008-12-20T20:30:00.004-05:00

So as for most of you that follow sneakers, the 11/12 cdp's released today. My prediction was complete and utter pandemonium, although I couldnt make the purchase due to insufficient (waiting to leave for RTC meanwhile being broke with no willingness to get a job FTL), reality checked in and after reviewing the prices of resellers. Its an easy pass, might as well get 01 retro Breds and take a stab at og taxis for a little over those ridicules resellers prices (edited 12/24 this is referring to presale inflation, upgrade status to a possible pickup SMH). also releasing is my brother Airman Blakeney and one of my bestfriends PVT Washington from tech school, which means decent times to come this holiday season and intense workouts with the help of the two fellow servicemen getting ready for RTC.. judging by how often i post (SMH at myself) ill make an attempt to post christmas day or prior. if not Merry Christmas.. haha..

Accelerating my life.

2008-11-14T20:31:00.002-05:00

So I joined the Navy today (actually got DEPed in). Delayed Entree Program. It was a awkward, slightly painful and disappointing day. Which im geting stuff squared away as we speak..

DONT!!

2008-11-01T22:38:00.001-04:00

Seems like no movie can't escape the dreaded "Remake". i was post on NT (niketalk) and came across a thread stating that there will be a remake for one of my all time favorite movies "The Last Dragon", being as next year will be Motown's 50th anniversary. And Samuel L. Jackson is playing as Sho' Nuff, haha the Shogun master of Harlem. With casting an Appolonia, that whole ordeal should be interesting (I'm basically feeling a Lauren London will be appropriate. Nonetheless my stance on the remake is to let the OG live.

Source

One Love..

Briefing Post..

2008-11-01T21:52:00.001-04:00

Basically this is a post of whats been going on lately..

My employment at busch gardens came to a cease as of October 31. and im quite glad its over (kind of ended on bad terms hypothetically). With me going to MEPs the week after next to enlist in the Navy. All my attention is going towards getting ready for basic training. With me at home most days ill try and post more frequently (prolly not everyday). Haha this basically concludes briefing post for the most part..

One love.

Just Think.

2008-10-13T12:06:00.000-04:00

That
buck
that
bought
a
bottle
could've
struck
the
lotto.

Kicksinsider.com

2008-09-25T20:03:00.000-04:00

Previously being strickly a sneaker blog on informing the lastest news in sneaker culture. Ran with the help of NiceKicks owner, Matt Halfhill.

Now its back with lovely added bonuses such as, social network and forum. Basically being a myspace/ facebook for sneaker enthusiast, while having a great forum if i may say myself.

Please join, so we can make KI the biggest and most active social network for sneakerheads.

(on a side note i'll be moderating)

One Love.

Work.

2008-08-15T15:21:00.000-04:00

My First Formal Post. Unfortunately im off to work. Which hence my torrid hatred for getting my hair braided (will not be posting that).

WDIWT

Busch Gardens issued work gear X Playoff VIIIs

Back For The First Time.

2008-08-13T13:40:00.000-04:00

The Genesis...